World’s Largest Atom Smasher Audioholics Survival Tips

The world’s largest atom smasher comes online this August in Switzerland.  Some critics fear it could create a black hole that would envelop the Earth while others fear it will turn our planet into Dr. Evil’s infamous “liquid hot magma”.

The collider basically consists of a ring of supercooled magnets 17 miles in circumference attached to huge barrel-shaped detectors. The ring, which straddles the French and Swiss border, is buried 330 feet underground.  The machine, which has been called the largest scientific experiment in history, is expected to begin test runs in August, but ramping up to full power could take longer than my Toshiba HD-A2 HD DVD player to boot up and begin playing a disc. However once it is working, it is expected to produce some startling findings.

The purpose of this device is to detect dark matter and dark energy which scientists speculate constitutes more than 96% of the Universe.  The collider could detect evidence of extra dimensions, a boon for superstring theory, which holds that quarks, the particles that make up atoms, are infinitesimal vibrating strings.  The theory could resolve many of physics' unanswered questions, but requires about 10 dimensions — far more than the three spatial dimensions our senses experience.

Perhaps it will also help reveal the alleged immeasurable benefits of exotic cables that have eluded audio engineers and their test equipment for decades.  “This atom smasher may once and for all prove the stand jumping theory so many exotic cable vendors enjoy promoting their products solve.  It may also put us in touch with the spirit of Elvis which is rumored to be trapped deep in a cavern on Mars.” Says Gene DellaSala, President of Audioholics.  “We just aren’t sure what will happen when they fire this thing up.” Says Gene.

As a result, we have put together a top 10 survival tips to ensure you’re safe and sound when the switch is flipped this August:

10.  Don’t use any wireless devices including your cell phone, remote controls, etc for the entire day.

9.  Restrict all liquid containers you are traveling with to 4 ounces or less per FAA guidelines because this allegedly makes us all safer.

8.  Run a 60Hz continuous tone through your theater system at full power, all channels driven, for 60 seconds to counter the EMF forces generated by the inrush current of the atom smasher when it’s initially powered up.

7.  Upgrade all of your speaker cables to “strand jumping” resistant type.

6.  Use cable elevators to avoid any electron misfires during the intense EMF surge pulses.

5.  Make sure all of your cables are cryogenically frozen ASAP.  Check the expiration date on your cables as you may need to re-freeze them if it’s been awhile. 

4.  Stay off Xbox Live.  In fact, given the poor reliability of XBOX 360, we recommend not even turning your gaming system on for a few days until the eddy currents and EMF are fully dissipated.

3.  If you see a black hole forming near you, tap your heels and say the word “Den-on” 3 times making sure your pronunciation is correct. 

2.  If you run into your evil parallel universe clone, don’t rub it in his face that Blu-ray won the format war in your Universe as he is likely already enjoying HD DVD’s lower priced players and software.     

1.  Make sure you have a towel in your possession.  For reasons, click >here<. 

Well there you have it.  Here’s to scientific progress and hoping we don’t piss off any transdimensional alien life forms in the process.  Sure there is only a 1 in 50 million chance that the Earth will melt once this monster (no pun intended) device is turned on, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.  So polish your tube amps and soak your cables in kosher chicken fat blessed by a Rabi, and get ready for the big bang coming to your home theater this August.